Photo Gallery No. 2: Clearwater Chaos
Helene and Milton's impact still evident in Florida funtown.
Clearwater Beach, Florida, is a reflection of the current state of this country and a foreboding picture of what’s likely to come for the rest of us soon.
In the fall of 2024, it was throttled by back-to-back hurricanes. First, Helene came in and did what hurricanes do. Then, just weeks after Helene’s visit and with the shaken town scrambling to clean up and prepare for the next storm, Hurricane Milton tore through, adding insult to injury.
Even dual hurricanes couldn’t keep a town with a prominent and unequivocally tacky shrine to Hulk Hogan (see below) from clawing its way back to its rightful place as a prime destination for an affordable, decadent and quintessentially Floridian escape.
In January, my wife and I went down south to celebrate a good friend’s 40th birthday. In between gorging myself on fresh, inexpensively priced seafood and drinking tequila as if it were gatorade on a 100-degree day, I took a couple photos of Clearwater and tried to learn a little about a place that had recently been through a lot. What follows is the second RPR photo gallery.
A Picturesque Ghost Town
The first thing I noticed about Clearwater Beach was how deserted it appeared. Every other home seemed uninhabitable due to storm damage, with rental dumpsters filling the driveways where cars should reside. The next thing I noticed was how beautiful and unique the homes were …
Eclectic Art Aplenty
I’ve heard the architecture in Clearwater and Clearwater Beach described as “Florida cracker” and “Spanish Mission,” which means nothing to my architecturally ignorant self. But man, there were so many eye-catching homes lining the southern shore of this barrier island. This particular gem made me stop mid-run to snap a photo, just so people didn’t think I was exaggerating when I told them about the hidden statue garden.
Open But …
In big, bold red letters, the sign underneath the Clearwater Beach welcome mural appears almost desperate, screaming at passer-byes: Hey! Hey You! Don’t Leave — We’re Open! We’re Back! Just Ignore Those Cranes and Dumpsters Everywhere. Come On In And Have A Beer! Please …
Obstacle Course
Clearwater Beach isn’t the place where, as Mr. Silverstein says, “the sidewalk ends.” But thanks to Helene and Milton, it certainly gets interrupted in plenty of places.
Pop Culture Atrocities
In the middle Clearwater Beach — and right below a comedy club where I’ve never performed — sits this terrifying statue of Hulk Hogan. I remember worshipping the Hulkster as a WWF-obsessed kid only to wind up embarrassed by his cringeworthy shirt-ripping, Idiocracy-esque speech at the RNC. Don’t meet your heroes is sound advice, but I’d even take it one step further: Don’t occasionally do Google searches on any celebrity you ever looked up to as a child. No matter what you find, you’ll probably wind up disappointed.
There are apparently a bunch of statues inside of Hogan’s Beach Shop, a store Hogan opened in Clearwater Beach that’s dedicated to all things him. Why Clearwater? I’m not sure, but according to the r/Florida subreddit (well worth reading for the comedy alone), Hogan has frequent interactions with fans and locals at gas stations there.
New England Transplant
Just out of shot is a man named Ed.* He caught me taking photos of the Tiki Cottage and stopped me to proudly describe the property (Sleeps 6, Pets OK, Steps to the Beach) and tell me his story. Ed had just become a full-time resident of Florida, moving down from Boston (“too fast up North”). His wife recently died, so when his friend called him up and asked him to help run the place in this photo, Ed figured What the Hell? and migrated South for his own metaphorical winter (Like most of Florida, Ed wasn’t a young guy).
(*Ed isn’t his real name, or if it is, it’s completely by accident that I got it right, as we never exchanged that info during our 20-minute chat.)
The Other Blue House
Whenever I’m away from home, I tend to find myself looking for another blue house — a unique little home with a lot of character that I could see me, my wife, my son, my daughter and my Boston Terrier, Judy. This is the Clearwater Beach Blue House (CBBH). From here it looks like the CBBH was spared a lot of the damage that impacted many of the surrounding homes and businesses. I sincerely hope that good luck continues for its owners. I also hope Clearwater Beach rebuilds quickly and enjoys some relative calm in the coming years.
Major Changes Next Month!
After three-plus year, River People Rebuild will be undergoing a long overdue makeover, complete with a new name, a new format and much more consistent posting schedule.
Hope you love the changes!